Unexpected emotion

I just had “a moment.” You know those scenes in a movie where a writer is furiously writing and crying at the same time–in the zone–emotion erupting. I always thought that was so cheesy. Not anymore.

I’m working on Toriko Tales in chapter 23 titled “old wounds.” It’s central to explaining a lot of Toriko’s formative past and impacted present. But going back and touching Toriko’s memories, things she had long buried (and perhaps had professionally blocked) trauma was–painful.

It’s fascinating, embarrassing, and enheartening to cry over something that happened to “your character.”

Anyone who knows me understands “my characters” are far from words on a page. They’ve always been people–friends–that I get to visit and know better when I write. That sounds like a desperate plea for help, but it’s not.  It’s just how writers work.

“Write what you know.” Well, I know them.

With every word that I typed, my own eyes awash, I kept thinking “I’m so sorry, Toriko.  I am so sorry.” As if her pain was “real.”

Now, obviously this is coming from somewhere. Childhood trauma. Disconnection from parents and context. Everything being turned upside down. I have plenty of things from my own life that’s clearly inspiring this grander version of things. Perhaps that’s what was releasing.  Certainly, the way she comes back from it is the mantra I use concerning acknowledging past loss and pain, then focusing on what I have today.

But shesh! Intense!

I hope it translates to future readers and feels authentic as it had for me.

Just wanted to share.